Truth

I am reading a book online about some pretty lofty topics, and it started right off with Truth. The author advocates accurately looking at ourselves in those areas where we are fooling ourselves, where we say to ourselves at one moment that we'll do X, but if we shine the torch on ourselves, we have to admit that we might not get to X perfectly.

I am wildly paraphrasing. I want to try to give the gist without looking back at the book, because the impact on me now is from my memory of what I read. The point is that if we look at our own past history where we've said, "I will do X," look at it with clarity and honesty, we can see when we have not done the promised X. We can probably see why, if we probe just a little bit. If we probe a little further, we can probably see some corrective action that we could have taken. Now I am leaping light years beyond what I read in this online book, but what I realized tonight in rehearsal was that if I want to play this music well, I need to practice it differently than what I normally do.

If I want to play this Shostakovich well, I need to be honest with myself, shine that torch right in.

1. It is January 8. The concerts are February 7 and 8. One month away.
2. We have 7 rehearsals left before the concert. That's not very many. The next rehearsal is on Tuesday, January 13. That is 5 days from today. That is 4 practice days from today. After the January 13 rehearsal, we will have 6 rehearsals left. That's not very many, minus 1.
   
3. I was pleased with my practice yesterday. I could play the music, and I worked on some difficult passages. I did OK in rehearsal today, but there were a lot of the passages where they went by me too fast to play, or in one place where Todd switches into conducting in 8, it took me half the time he was in 8 to realize that was what was going on, and by then I was so lost I couldn't come back in.
4. I don't feel that I can afford to lose valuable rehearsal time getting lost. If I want to play this Shostakovich well.
5. Where "I did OK in rehearsal today," I felt good about my sound, I felt that I could hear myself relative to others, I felt confident playing in the symphony. I could feel my place there. Where I didn't do OK, that is where I felt the need for real honesty with myself: How can I get there?
6. I need to use each practice to move myself as fast as I can toward playing this music well. I need to use these practices in a smart manner.

My goals, then:

1. Play with the CDs. I have Rostropovich's London Symphony Orchestra version of this music, and I picked up a rehearsal CD tonight. Play with the CDs in my practice. I obviously need to play apart from the CDs in order to work the tricky passages, but I need to work with the CDs so I don't waste valuable rehearsal time trying to figure out where I am.
2. Make my goals right now for the four practice days I have before our next rehearsal.
3. Friday: Because I am helping with a meditation program Friday evening, I need to come home and practice at lunch tomorrow. I just booked the time on my calendar for tomorrow. My goal in this practice will be to warm up, work on some of my trickier passages, and play at least the first movement with the CD, and endeavor to play the second movement as well, with the CD.
4. Saturday: Because I am helping with a meditation program Saturday and going to a birthday party Saturday night, how am I going to spend any time practicing? Solution: When we do our planning Friday night for who does what on Saturday, I will do my utmost to get a couple of hours carved out for me to come home and practice. I can also make my snack for the birthday party at the same time! If by chance I just cannot pull this off, I may have to settle for just a warm-up snuck in somewhere.
5. Sunday: Better! I will be helping with the meditation program, but not all day. I will get in one good solid practice. I will play the 4th movement with the CD.
6. Monday: OK, I will schedule Monday, too. I have another meditation training on Monday evening (I really don't do all this meditation training too often, but this weekend was scheduled in advance), so I will come home and practice at lunch. At this point, I will just commit to practice and to working on this material, but won't say exactly how - let's let the weekend transpire first. Action: Sweet, I have booked this on my calendar, too.

OK, in honesty I saw tonight that I would still be stumbling by concert-time if I don't focus my practice. I think these steps are in the best direction I can think of right now. I'll reassess after Tuesday's practice.

This all sounds very serious and it is, but it's the right kind of serious. I want to grow musically. I have grown musically and I want to keep growing musically. Sometimes you just have to get serious.