relaxed

I didn't make a practice yesterday, and tonight I was unfocused. So I just played and worked on material and sounding beautiful, with no driving force, not even working toward anything in particular, just exercises and pretty songs to sound nice. I could not even practice my marches because they are in the van. Concert in the park tomorrow, I'll get the marches then. I'm getting better at sight reading. :)

2nd practices

stiff hand

lovely music

2nd practice of the day

hard work

payoff

gulps of air

At about 1:30 or 2:00 today, I felt that I was finally up for air. I broke through the surface and started sucking in big gulps of air. With my mom here house-hunting last weekend (Friday through Tuesday), with work at a manic end-of-fiscal year pace, marching band rehearsal, marching band music organization, lesson, house-buying paperwork and meetings ... I could only just move through it minute by minute. Kind of hanging on by my fingernails.

Finally today I got home from signing another offer paperwork, ate lunch, laid down and took a brief but oh-so-delicious nap ... and woke as if waking from being underwater for the last two weeks. I ignored my messy house (I really need to vacuum) and opted to play. But today, I decided that there was no time pressure. I cleaned my slide very carefully. Even cleaned the inside of the inner slide. It was really grody! Ewww. But it was lovely taking as much time as I wanted to cleaning the slide. I wanted it to be perfect when I played. It was.

I worked a lot on Stars & Stripes, and some on Washington Post. When we practice marched at rehearsal on Wednesday, National Emblem went pretty well but Stars & Stripes and Washington Post were rougher. I am so pleased that I want to giggle, that I can play these marches as well as I can this year. It's my fourth year of playing in the marching band and my first year of feeling confident playing the marches.

My mouth started to wear out on a G in Washington Post so I am taking a break.

Oh, and I had just a great lesson last Thursday.

7:30

My evening was mapped out. There was not much time between getting home, cooking dinner (beautiful halibut with rice and salad, beautiful), eating, working diligently on accounting problems, and then heading out to my lesson. I have my transit time to the Hodges' timed well - it's almost a 25-minute walk, maybe about 22 minutes.

I left in perfect time. My walk over was glorious. I love this daylight and I want it to last forever.

Aside:
I've been sleeping with my curtains open this year.
The daylight wakes me all night long.
I love waking at 2:00 am and seeing how light it is.
When it was warm last week I was leaving the window open at night.
The birds were waking me at 2:45.
I'd wake, smile, and go back to sleep.

I got to my lesson 1 minute before lesson time. I got there at 6:59. But my lesson is at 7:30, has been for a very long time. My perfect calculation was off by 30 minutes. I think this might be a sign that I am a little too busy, though it made for a very good laugh at myself.

Great lesson, great lesson. I am going to scale back a little on playing in concerts this summer and focus on practicing. I want to get better and I am getting better, I am, but constantly jamming in material for the next concert means time away from working on technique and away from productive lessons.

I have another lesson in a week, this one at 7:30. :) I'll miss having dinner with Cindy when she's here from Anchorage, but Jack's leaving town again on the 30th and I really want more continuity between lessons; I need to take advantage of the opportunity. He thinks it is important as well. I need someone to point out what I am doing wrong, or my bad habits just reinforce themselves.

Meanwhile, my left hand really hurts. I've developed a technique for slipping it under a pillow straightened out when I go to sleep. It's like a little brace but it is a pillow so it is gentle. If I don't, it cramps in the night and is stiff and painful when I wake in the morning (or at 2:45 to the lovely birds).

So ... what gives?

What I don't understand is what combination it is that makes playing good one day and not good another day. I wasn't real happy about how I played in the concert on Saturday - who knows what contributed. Was it my uncertainty in the setting, was it my embouchure, was it something I ate that day.

Tonight, I was tired when I headed out for marching band rehearsal. I got up at 5 am today, worked at a dead run pace all day, met for marching band concert and parade planning at lunch in the state office building atrium (a very cool place to meet, btw), had only time to heat a can of soup and eat a bite for dinner before rehearsal. I went at a dead run all day long. Then I missed the first couple of songs at marching band rehearsal because I was getting music for people (though Sandra Strandtmann is serving as our librarian now and it was wonderful to have her there tonight, it brought such calm to the process).

So I had to sneak in, a couple of songs into the rehearsal, and start playing with no warmup. I've done that before and it took half a rehearsal before I could even reliably hit the right partial. Tonight, I snuck in by reading over Galen's shoulder on Washington Post March and sure I didn't play perfectly, but I just dropped right in to the rehearsal. I just played ok, I felt fine playing. The music's not real hard, maybe that's part of it. Maybe my practice on the marches is paying off. No, no maybe about it, the practice is paying off.

Maybe the most important part is that I feel comfortable now in this setting. Actually, I just loved how it felt to drop into the playing like that and be able to pick up and play.

This is the first year that I feel confident playing the marches, too. We practiced marching and I didn't have a lyre so just poked at playing from memory during our practice march and that was cool, too. I haven't been able to figure out where my lyre was but when I got home I rummaged around in my tromboney stuff and finally found my clip-on-bell lyre. Next week I'll bring my Jupiter and practice marching with that with the lyre - cringing I was to be out marching with my lovely Yamaha but I held that slide tight.

ouch!

Rick used to say that in his practice sessions he tries to do exercises, work on something that's a stretch and requires work, and play something beautiful. That's what I did tonight, first my warmup complete with pedals and I'm starting to get what Jack's been talking about, I can bring the flat pedal note up with my upper lip - ha! it works. Then I worked on two of the three marches for the parade. I'm working hard on these. I want to keep working hard on these and it would be great if I could memorize them.

I worked on a few of the other pieces for the marching band concert as well, and then I got out my old Bist du bei mir to sound beautiful. I thought a lot about sounding beautiful while I was working on it. My tone was not the best tonight, a little ragged, but playing on Bist du bei mir I could bend it toward beauty more than I did on the other pieces. It was nice to focus on just playing as beautifully as possible.

And I have a lesson scheduled for Thursday. Happy I am.

Oh, and an edit: The ouch! refers to my hand. It hurts. Middle finger is numb. It cramps at night. But after playing next to Jenny in the concert, I am starting to use my trigger again and now I am conflicted - do I buy a lighter instrument or try to use the bullet brace again? Decisions, decisions.

capitol echoes

Charlie says that when I play with my window open, this great echo acoustic happens and my trombone playing sounds really cool. He thinks it's bouncing off the Capitol.

True to my word from my last post, I worked just on the three parade marches today. Actually, my embouchure was pretty toasted after only two, so I really only worked on Washington Post and Stars and Stripes. Let me get these marches in some shape and then I'll work on the other material for the concert.

I might circle back tonight and play a little more, but I might just have a glass of wine and have an easy evening. Enough, enough.

As quickly as my embouchure wore out tonight, I wonder if that was related to my not playing that well last night. 3 hours of rehearsal Friday night, 3 hours of rehearsal yesterday morning ... I don't think my mouth is that tough!

And - Aunt Betty called and left a message saying how wonderful the concert was last night. SO sweet! I just love living in this town and making music for people, and how much they appreciate it, and what a wonderful relationship we all have to each other. And appreciate each other.

Concert's over, moving on

It was a very fun concert, lively music and fun to play and I would gather from the audience's response, fun to listen to. Karen Paulick guest conducted Stars and Stripes and the audience and musicians loved it. Sue Kazama's piano solo on I got Rhythm was really good, and the audience loved that. It was great for me to pair with another 2nd 'bone from Anchorage, Jenny McCoy (I think) - she's a strong player, and just a nice person to play with.

I feel a need at this point to be more selective about what I play in, trying to focus my energies more in order to play better more consistently. Marching band is coming up and that's something I don't want to miss, but as the season progresses, I will become a little more careful about saying yes. I need to become a stronger player, I need to develop more confidence, I need to become a better sight reader - well, the list goes on, doesn't it? And the dichotomy, of course, is that I also need to have more confidence in performance - and to get that, I need to perform.

One last thought. Yesterday during rehearsal I realized that I knew the music much better after the rehearsal cycle, I could feel it, I knew instinctively where to come in. I must remind myself the next time that I feel like freaking out in the early rehearsals (I can't do this!) that we are all in some stage of being new to the music and we will all get better. I need to play out right from the beginning in rehearsals and make my mistakes then so I can play it right later. Enough already of this timidness!

studying!

Rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals. Last night from 7 till 10, the night before from 7 till 10, and today at 11 am. I'm slipping in some study time right now for my accounting class, listening to John Coltrane, sipping my coffee, chatting with friend Carey ...

This will be a very fun concert tonight. And last night during rehearsal Kyle described next season. Though I have been telling myself that I need to back off playing a little, I love the sound of everything we'll be playing and want to play in all of them! It's more motivation for me, to 1) get better and 2) improve my confidence. The two are so intertwined.

Back to the books. One more class in the fall and I'll have this master's.

late. and tired. and satisfied.

I stepped up to my role as "band manager" tonight for the Marching Band. Last week was disastrous - I was trying to play, to warm up, and to deal with missing music for people, etc. The scene was completely chaotic for me and relatively chaotic for others. Tonight I just decided that the role for me to play was not player but music librarian/manager. I just did it and then I slipped in playing where I could, and I was relaxed. I was relaxed about my playing, I was actually relaxed about being librarian, with people lined up asking for this, for that. I just did it and not warming up, having to slip in and out of playing, it was fine.

It was perfect perspective. This is supposed to be fun. It was fun.

Now I don't know how I am going to take care of all the organizing I need to do with the music before next week's rehearsal, 'cause I am so stacked up this week. Three more symphony rehearsals before the concert Saturday - and oh, yes! I have a job. I'm taking a class. But I'm meditating an hour a day right now and I think that's making this wild schedule work.

I love my trombone

Great rehearsal tonight. 3 hour rehearsal - that's long.

I focused on the music. My "neighbors" in the low brass section helped me. I dropped my embarrassment and practiced things I needed to work on during the break, and I played just as well as I could during the rehearsal. I worked hard at staying with the music. It makes no sense to feel so uncomfortable about screwing up among my fellow musicians that I'd rather play it wrong (or not at all) in performance than embarrass myself playing it wrong in rehearsal. No sense.

I'm back in love with my trombone now. Though I still want to get a straight tenor to reduce the weight. I'll be in Washington DC in July and I've got my sights on an instrument store ... but I still love my horn.

slow but steady?

Yesterday (Sunday) I was all fired up to do a warmup early in the day and have a good long practice later in the day, but the day took over and I never had my good long practice.

Today I had a bunch of errands to run at lunch so I took a two-hour lunch (there goes my leave) and part of my lunch was a sweet little warmup. Now I've been having my good long end-of-day practice - what I meant to happen yesterday on my day-off Sunday.

I worked again on Camelot tonight. Short rehearsal periods are kind of tough. If you don't know the material well (like me) it can be a slog practicing - just working on rhythm patterns, but not knowing how it fits musically. The best practices of all are in rehearsals because I can hear where my music fits. But when the rehearsal cycle is short ...

I focused again on knowing the beat, staying with the beat. I did really well until I hit triplet quarter notes, which are just plain hard for me. I know I can get them because I get triplet eighth notes, but I finally (figuratively) threw up my hands on the triplet quarter notes. I feel like a klutz with them. Like walking and chewing gum. :)

Rehearsal tomorrow. I cooked this weekend and tonight, trying to stack up the meals because I have rehearsals every night for the rest of the week.

Got my mojo back

Thursday's rehearsal was a lot harder. I didn't play well. I was tired, I was self-critical. I was worried about playing poorly and I played poorly.

I have been meditating a lot and reading buddhist teachings a good bit lately. There is a saying, I think I picked it up at Shambhala Mountain Center in Colorado:

Why are you so unhappy?
Why are we so unhappy?
Because everything you do
And 99 percent of what you think
Is for yourself
And there isn't one.

Attributed to Wu Wei, 12th century Taoist though the attribution is a bit complicated, per Google.

On the trombone forum where I go to pick up tips about playing and instruments, Gabe Langfur wrote a post about stage fright in performance. He said in response to a particular question to focus only on the subdivided pulse, not on "whether I will play well" or "I'm not good enough" (my paraphrasing there).

I think that 75% of my poor playing on Thursday was because I was focused on myself and not on the music. In my practice tonight, I worked on Camelot and I was entirely focused on the beat and the rhythm and I did well and I worked very productively where I did not do well.

When I practice or rehearse with a rushed feeling, I practice or rehearse poorly. When I am self-conscious and nervous, I play poorly. I had a beautiful time last night watching the big band in Marine Park and I just loved the music and I watched those musicians and they loved the music, too. They were totally into it and they just played it. What is the value of this self-conscious bit? No value.

Why am I so unhappy?
Because I'm thinking about myself
And there isn't one.

Think about what I am playing and who I am playing it for.

ok, what was I thinking

It was a great rehearsal. Sure, I made a lot of mistakes but I loved playing, the music is just plain fun to play, we're all having a good time, and I'm picking it up. It was a first rehearsal, for God's sake! What was I so worried about!

I am only going to get better at this, get better at sight reading, get better at playing, by playing. I am so lucky to have this opportunity.

I mentioned to Rick how freaked out I'd been. He said, I just should have mentioned it and we could have worked on the material together, I could have played with the trumpet sectional. Of course. Of course.

rescue

After my little panic attack last night, I sat down tonight and worked on marches for the 4th of July. That music is good for the chops. I will just hit first rehearsal tomorrow for the symphony concert and get a feel for the music, which is so hard to do before rehearsal, and then I will take it from there. I'll have a much better sense of the music after tomorrow.

I got out my old Jupiter for playing when we march, and the slide's all scratchy but it was fun to play a lightweight instrument again. Not taking my beautiful horn marching.