Got my mojo back

Thursday's rehearsal was a lot harder. I didn't play well. I was tired, I was self-critical. I was worried about playing poorly and I played poorly.

I have been meditating a lot and reading buddhist teachings a good bit lately. There is a saying, I think I picked it up at Shambhala Mountain Center in Colorado:

Why are you so unhappy?
Why are we so unhappy?
Because everything you do
And 99 percent of what you think
Is for yourself
And there isn't one.

Attributed to Wu Wei, 12th century Taoist though the attribution is a bit complicated, per Google.

On the trombone forum where I go to pick up tips about playing and instruments, Gabe Langfur wrote a post about stage fright in performance. He said in response to a particular question to focus only on the subdivided pulse, not on "whether I will play well" or "I'm not good enough" (my paraphrasing there).

I think that 75% of my poor playing on Thursday was because I was focused on myself and not on the music. In my practice tonight, I worked on Camelot and I was entirely focused on the beat and the rhythm and I did well and I worked very productively where I did not do well.

When I practice or rehearse with a rushed feeling, I practice or rehearse poorly. When I am self-conscious and nervous, I play poorly. I had a beautiful time last night watching the big band in Marine Park and I just loved the music and I watched those musicians and they loved the music, too. They were totally into it and they just played it. What is the value of this self-conscious bit? No value.

Why am I so unhappy?
Because I'm thinking about myself
And there isn't one.

Think about what I am playing and who I am playing it for.